Submit news tips and press releases to Editor at WeeklyUniverse dot com. All submissions become property of the Weekly Universe and deemed for publication without compensation unless otherwise requested. Name and contact information only withheld upon request.


About Us





Conspiracy Watch

Consumer Watchdog

Girls In Black




Quirky & Bizarre


Weird Science


Hollywood Investigator

Horror Film Aesthetics

Horror Film Festivals

Horror Film Reviews

Tabloid Witch Awards




by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.  [June 30, 2002]




[]  YOU are living in a simulated world, populated by "fake people" -- just like in the Warner Bros' move, The Matrix -- which was based on reality!

That's the startling bombshell revelation contained in a mysterious communiqué leaked from "the real world" to the Weekly Universe -- via e-mail!

"There can be no question -- it's an authentic e-mail," announced Preston Presscott, spokesman for American Bald Eagle Publications, LLC, publisher of the Hollywood Investigator and Weekly Universe family of family publications.  "That's not just my opinion -- it's the official finding of the Weekly Universe Emergency Blue-Ribbon Panel On Metaphysical Matrix-Related Research -- convened for the sole purpose of examining this astounding e-mail!"

The Weekly Universe Emergency Blue-Ribbon Panel On Metaphysical Matrix-Related Research comprised leading international experts on the occult, astro-metaphysics, para-psychology, and MS Outlook Express.

And unlike competing in-house occult research panels staffed at CBS, CNN, the CIA, the New York Times, and the Washington Post -- Weekly Universe panelists are the only ones able to -- exclusively -- access the astounding powers of the Weekly Universe Mystic Gray Buddha[tm]!

Here now is the full text of the startling e-mail leaked to the Weekly Universe -- uncensored! [Editorial board panelists' expert analyses and probing queries interjected in red.]


There is something extremely wrong with every single person in this world.  They seem to be part of a pointless simulation.

"The Matrix" has portrayed this idea somewhat, yet we watch it and go back to our daily lives. Yet in this very life, underneath the seeming diversity in people's opinions, values, talents, and interests, there is something that makes everyone the same. It is as though this planet is populated only by mindless fakes, objects that provide the appearance of intellect on the surface but are based on only mechanical reflexes and primitive thought patterns.  [Have we heard this before? -- ed.]

I don't really care if anything I say has been said before [Oops!  Never mind. -- ed.], if it was portrayed in movies, in books, or in the lyrics of some useless song.  With 6 billion people covering the globe at any given time, thousands and thousands of years of written literature, probability dictates almost any combination of words has occurred numerous times. Yet there is clear evidence there was no action, so those words, just like the people who spoke them, must have been just more fakes. I am forced to use this language (also created by the fakes) because there is no alternative, so everything I write here could be misunderstood to make me sound like one of them, but it will be the action that I take and the dedication that will separate me from them.

In my estimation the fakes that occupy this planet don't make up 99%, but more like 99.9999999% of the population. [One panelist suggests it may only be 99.9999997% -- ed]. I know this because I've searched, and in my search have so far only found one true ally (I have found him via the internet as well). But even with those numbers we would not give up because there is no logic in giving up.

The people on this planet are all fakes because the societies have made them this way. Ideas that populate people's minds have no logic or purpose. Concepts such as religion, god, morality, individualism, freedom, identity, happiness, love and billions of others [That's more than words in the English language! -- ed.] are all just memes. Like parasites they infect the minds and spread from one person to the next. They have no point or purpose; they exist without any logical basis or foundation. The fakes are completely controlled by them, and they will never see beyond them. To not be controlled by them one must do more then just realize that they exist. One must resist any ideas that have no point, endlessly question, and never accept imperfection or compromise in any answer.

We (myself and my ally) are different though. [Wow!  -- ed.] While we have had the limitation of existing only in these societies, something has made it possible for us to resist being indoctrinated into becoming one of those fakes.  We have no arbitrary wants, needs, desires, or preferences.

If this world continues to exist the way it is then nothing in it will ever have a point. It will always be just a product of random evolution, one with no importance or relevance. The only logical goal is to dedicate our lives to increasing our numbers, those that aren't fakes, so that in thousands of years our numbers may be such that the fakes would no longer be a threat to progress.

Those that join us must see every other person occupying this planet as the enemy [Gulp! -- ed], and us as their only allies. Like us they must have dedication only to taking the most logical action, and to nothing else.

To tell you more about us, we've posted some personal information about ourselves on a website. You'll also find past responses to us on that webpage.  [Where is this website?!!! -- ed.]

Obviously anyone reading this email is most likely just another fake. Do not simply reply to this email, if you do your message will almost certainly be ignored. If you do wish to communicate, first demonstrate your interest by taking the effort to find us online, one of the ways to do that is described below. [A-ha!  -- ed.]

Use a major search engine to search for every combination of any two words from the list below. The order of the words shouldn't matter as long as you do not search for them in quotes. Also when you pick the right combination you shouldn't need to look at more then the first matches.

There is no trick to this and this isn't meant to be quick, it should, however, be fairly clear if/when you find the right site. The following search engines were verified by us, please use any of them as other search engines may simply not list us correctly: MSN, Lycos, InfoSeek, LookSmart, HotBot, InfoSpace, Google,, AllTheWeb, Teoma, WebCrawler, AltaVista,  AOL Search, Netscape Search.


If this can't be solved, or if you never reach us, there should be no reason for you to give up as we will never give up and thus there will always be some way to find us. [Always?  Sounds suspiciously like ... Immortals!  -- ed.]

Ryan and Jacob

Even more bizarre, while this mysterious communiqué from "the real world" was signed "Ryan and Jacob," the e-mail was sent from someone named Gonium Cumacea, from the address: This discrepancy remains one of the universe's most astounding unsolved mysteries!


Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches.

One Weekly Universe reader reports: "The email is a hoax. Ryan and Jacob can be found at and The style of writing is the same from the person who wrote the emails, the sites and the responses. The one site is hosted by Yahoo and the domain is registered by a guy who I think works for

For more info, readers may wish to read William Irwin's The Matrix Philosohpy!

Copyright 2002 by

"Weekly Universe" and "" and "Mystic Gray Buddha" trademarks are currently unregistered, but pending registration upon need for protection against improper use. The idea of marketing these terms as a commodity is a protected idea under the Lanham Act. 15 U.S.C. s 1114(1) (1994) (defining a trademark infringement claim when the plaintiff has a registered mark); 15 U.S.C. s 1125(a) (1994) (defining an action for unfair competition in the context of trademark infringement when the plaintiff holds an unregistered mark). All articles copyright the author or