That's the startling bombshell
revelation contained in a mysterious communiqué leaked from "the
real world" to the Weekly Universe -- via e-mail!
can be no question -- it's an authentic e-mail," announced Preston Presscott,
spokesman for American Bald Eagle Publications, LLC, publisher of the Hollywood
Investigator and Weekly Universe family of family publications. "That's
not just my opinion -- it's the official finding of the Weekly Universe
Emergency Blue-Ribbon Panel On Metaphysical Matrix-Related Research --
convened for the sole purpose of examining this astounding e-mail!"
Universe Emergency Blue-Ribbon Panel On Metaphysical Matrix-Related Research
comprised leading international experts on the occult, astro-metaphysics,
para-psychology, and MS Outlook Express.
competing in-house occult research panels staffed at CBS, CNN, the CIA,
the New York Times, and the Washington Post -- Weekly Universe panelists
are the only ones able to -- exclusively --
access the astounding powers of the Weekly Universe Mystic
There is something extremely
wrong with every single person in this world. They seem to be part
of a pointless simulation.
Matrix" has portrayed this idea somewhat, yet we watch it and go back
to our daily lives. Yet in this very life, underneath the seeming
diversity in people's opinions, values, talents, and interests, there is
something that makes everyone the same. It is as though this planet
is populated only by mindless fakes, objects that provide the appearance
of intellect on the surface but are based on only mechanical reflexes and
primitive thought patterns. [Have we
heard this before? -- ed.]
I don't really care if
anything I say has been said before [Oops!
Never mind. -- ed.], if it was portrayed in
movies, in books, or in the lyrics of some useless song. With 6 billion
people covering the globe at any given time, thousands and thousands of
years of written literature, probability dictates almost any combination
of words has occurred numerous times. Yet there is clear evidence
there was no action, so those words, just like the people who spoke them,
must have been just more fakes. I am forced to use this language
(also created by the fakes) because there is no alternative, so everything
I write here could be misunderstood to make me sound like one of them,
but it will be the action that I take and the dedication that will separate
me from them.
In my estimation the fakes
that occupy this planet don't make up 99%, but more like 99.9999999% of
the population. [One panelist suggests
it may only be 99.9999997% -- ed]. I
know this because I've searched, and in my search have so far only found
one true ally (I have found him via the internet as well). But even
with those numbers we would not give up because there is no logic in giving
The people on this planet
are all fakes because the societies have made them this way. Ideas
that populate people's minds have no logic or purpose. Concepts such
as religion, god, morality, individualism, freedom, identity, happiness,
love and billions of others [That's more than
words in the English language! -- ed.] are
all just memes. Like parasites they infect the minds and spread from
one person to the next. They have no point or purpose; they exist
without any logical basis or foundation. The fakes are completely
controlled by them, and they will never see beyond them. To not be
controlled by them one must do more then just realize that they exist. One must resist any ideas that have no point, endlessly question, and never
accept imperfection or compromise in any answer.
We (myself and my ally)
are different though. [Wow! --
ed.] While we have had the limitation
of existing only in these societies, something has made it possible for
us to resist being indoctrinated into becoming one of those fakes.
We have no arbitrary wants, needs, desires, or preferences.
If this world continues
to exist the way it is then nothing in it will ever have a point. It will always be just a product of random evolution, one with no importance
or relevance. The only logical goal is to dedicate our lives to increasing
our numbers, those that aren't fakes, so that in thousands of years our
numbers may be such that the fakes would no longer be a threat to progress.
Those that join us must
see every other person occupying this planet as the enemy [Gulp!
-- ed], and us as their only allies. Like us they must have dedication only to taking the most logical action,
and to nothing else.
To tell you more about
us, we've posted some personal information about ourselves on a website. You'll also find past responses to us on that webpage. [Where
is this website?!!! -- ed.]
Obviously anyone reading
this email is most likely just another fake. Do not simply reply
to this email, if you do your message will almost certainly be ignored. If you do wish to communicate, first demonstrate your interest by taking
the effort to find us online, one of the ways to do that is described below. [A-ha!
Use a major search engine
to search for every combination of any two words from the list below. The order of the words shouldn't matter as long as you do not search for
them in quotes. Also when you pick the right combination you shouldn't
need to look at more then the first matches.
There is no trick to this
and this isn't meant to be quick, it should, however, be fairly clear if/when
you find the right site. The following search engines were verified
by us, please use any of them as other search engines may simply not list
us correctly: MSN, Lycos, InfoSeek, LookSmart, HotBot, InfoSpace, Google,
Ask.com, AllTheWeb, Teoma, WebCrawler, AltaVista, AOL Search, Netscape
If this can't be solved,
or if you never reach us, there should be no reason for you to give up
as we will never give up and thus there will always be some way to find
us. [Always? Sounds suspiciously
like ... Immortals! -- ed.]
Ryan and Jacob