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Mimi Brickmyer, [May 21, 2002]




[]  For thousands of years, generations of astrologers have feared to reveal the true and secrets meanings of the ancient zodiac!

Now, finally, these esoteric facts, submitted anonymously and in secret to the Weekly Universe -- and confirmed by our Special Blue Ribbon Panel on the Astrological Sciences -- are being made available to the everyone in the universe!


AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)  You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you have a tendency to be careless and impractical, causing you to repeat the same mistakes. People think you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar 20)  You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You wield some minor influence over your associates. People resent you for flaunting your petty power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans do terrible things to small animals.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)  You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)  You are practical and persistent. You insist on working long hours with dogged determination. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Tauruns have B.O. and fart a lot.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)  You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means that you are cheap. Geminians are known for committing incest.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)  You are sympathetic and eager to hear everyone's problems. Friends hate you for being a busybody. You are always putting things off. That is why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)  You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are too pushy. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Most Leos are bullies. All Leos are thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)  You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct.22)  You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are likely a wimp. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Libra women make good prostitutes. All Librans have venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)  You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. All Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)  You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack any talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)  You are conservative and avoid taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as a dog might think you are a tree and piss on you.

Copyright 2002 by


Mimi Brickmeyer is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who primarily investigates celebrity scandals. Read more about her journalism in Hollywood Witches.


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