FORGED IN HELL!!!
OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH BERT -- FROM OSAMA'S AFGHAN CAVE!!!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.
[November 5, 2001]
Bert, whose notorious and well-documented roles in international terror, drug-dealing, and political repression have
made him into one of the most-courted advisors by dictators, mafiosi, contract
killers, and terrorists throughout the globe, has forged a hellish alliance
with Osama bin Ladin to unleash their twisted evil brand of apocalyptic
terror throughout the globe!
And he's ready to talk about
it! -- in an exclusive interview available only in the Weekly Universe!
While establishment media
Weekly, Wired, E!
Online, and Fox
News repeated panicky government denials of a Bert-Osama connection,
the Weekly Universe's crack team of foreign correspondents has learned
the shocking truth! -- Bert is now acting chief military, intelligence, and security advisor to both Osama bin Ladin -- and the Taliban government!
"It's the mother of all nightmares!"
gasped Wesley Westford, CIA station chief in Islamabad, Pakistan, who wished
to remain anonymous. "It's worse than the Hitler-Stalin pact!"
"I'd describe the mood in
Washington security and diplomatic circles as one of sheer panic and absolute
terror!" gasped Benjamin Benford, a high-level State Department official,
who wished to remain anonymous. "Official gatherings are now dominated
by talk of suicide."
Despite disinformation attempts
by CIA-funded front groups [see below], the Weekly Universe tracked Bert
to Osama's cave deep in the bowels of the parched and unforgiving Afghan
An interview was arranged
after a complex series of delicate negotiations conducted through a chain
of former CIA staff, a Swiss arms merchant, a rogue Mossad agent, a South
African bounty hunter, two Colombian drug lords, a Chinese double agent,
a Nazi war criminal hiding in Syria, a gang of Opium Trail heroin smugglers, and a Shining Path guerilla cell -- all of whom refused to give their
real names for fear of Bert! [And despite the Weekly Universe's promises
Questions were prepared by
editors from the Weekly Universe, and from its sister publication, the
WU: Bert, now that you're
allied with Mr. bin Laden, what are your plans for the future?
Bert: Crush enemies. See them driven before me. Hear the lamentation of their women.
WU: I believe that's from Conan:
The Barbarian. Are you a film buff?
Bert: Some films, sure.
WU: Your cave is very high-tech. Are you a James Bond fan?
Bert: [laughs warmly] You caught me. The sliding mountaintop is from You
Only Live Twice. The laser torture table is from Goldfinger. I don't enjoy the newer Bond films too much.
WU: You're not alone.
WU: I admire your cave's cleanliness. Are you neat freak by nature?
Bert: Even a little dust can wreck havoc on satellite missile technology. A good rule of thumb is to budget 2% of hardware costs per annum on commercial cleaning services. People think of World Domination as a glamour profession, but does have its prosaic side.
WU: You've a lot of contacts
in international intelligence circles. Tell us, really, what happened
Bert: That's not something
I can talk about right now. Maybe after the coming world war and
international currency collapse.
WU: What about Area 51?
Bert: Not my favorite number. I prefer the number 9.
WU: And the letter B?
Bert: [laughs warmly]
WU: A question from our sister
publication, the Hollywood
Investigator. Is there a special lady?
Bert: There is, but I'd rather
not name her. My work is hard enough on a relationship without the
glare of the public spotlight.
WU: Any thoughts on Friends
star Jennifer Aniston's new hair?
Bert: I think--
WU: Or do you side with fans
who feel the real story is Lisa Kudrow's hair, now featured in an exclusive Investigator exposé,
available only in the current issue of the Hollywood Investigator -- now at supermarket
Bert: Sorry, I don't watch Friends. Wish I could. No time.
WU: And I guess TV reception isn't too good in Afghanistan?
Bert: [chuckles warmly] I can't even get Sesame Street. Who
knows if they're skimming my residuals? I've plotted intricate global
high-finance conspiracies that baffle the SEC and would stump the Lone
Gunmen. But even I can't understand those Hollywood profit participation
WU: We know you're busy. Thank you for your time.
Bert: Thank you!
Facts From The Universe:
a period in the late 1980s, Bert was a high-ranking member of the Romanian
Party Politburo -- and enthusiastic supporter and advisor to
the notorious dictator, Nicholae Ceausescu.
disappeared from Romania amid the chaos of the 1989 Revolution that toppled
role in Ceausescu's
vampirism and blood pacts with Vlad "the Impaler" Dracula are still sealed by order of the current Romanian government.
|Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUniverse.com
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