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EXPANDING UNIVERSE CRISIS: SHIFTING STARS DOOM CONSTELLATIONS!  END OF ASTROLOGY?

by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.  [November 26, 2001]

 

[WeeklyUniverse.com]  As the universe expands and stars sail across the starry night sky, the comforting constellations are breaking apart! -- So that the tiny tots of 3,000,000 AD may never see the warmly familiar constellations of their great-great(x1000)-grandparents' youth!

That's the dire warning of astro-conservationist Zed Neibelung, founder and director of Save Our Stars, in his non-negotiable demand for UN intervention to keep our constellations intact!

"Constellations are a rich cultural treasure and natural resource, inspiring generations of philosophers, scientists, theologians, artists, musicians, poets, balladeers, story-tellers, and mimes," gushes Neibelung.  "We can waste money on cars and VCRs, or even food and medicine to stay alive -- but constellations are why we live!"

Neibelung's S.O.S. has threatened to hack into, or otherwise sabotage, satellites and rocket launchpads unless the United Nations, or somebody, agrees to establish a ten trillion dollar fund, or whatever turns out to be required, to build a rocket, or something, to keep the stars in place.

Neibelung acknowledges a solution is still several years away, but he's assembled a team of experts from his previous astro-activist activities fighting light pollution.

Neibelung had tried to outlaw all nighttime lighting ("I have no problem with using lights during the day.") so that heartbreak tots everywhere could see the constellations.  But he has since progressed beyond that.

"What's the point of seeing the night sky, if there's nothing to see in it?" he asks.  "We can always turn off the light.  We may even get lucky with another power crisis.  But constellations are a non-renewable resource in a fragile outer space environment.  No man or woman has ever built a constellation.  When they're gone, they're gone!"

Neibelung enjoys support beyond the radical astro-activist community.  Astrologers have rallied to his cause!

"The zodiac is changing -- and not for the better!" warns astrologer-to- the-stars, K.C. Kassandra.  "Leo has put on weight, and Libra is out of balance!"
 
 

 

The threat to astrology from shifting stars has been growing.  The zodiac has been shifting ever since the science of astrology was first discovered thousands of year ago.  Debunkers have even used it to try and debunk astrology!

In Astrology: True Or False  A Scientific Evaluation, Roger B. Culver and Philip A. Ianna wrote: "[T]he precession of the equinoxes has brought about the disconcerting and confusing result that the astrological signs of the zodiac, which are usually measured relative to the vernal equinox point, have become displaced with respect to the constellations for which they are named. For example, the dates in which the sun is said to be located in the astrological sign of Scorpio extend from October 24 to November 22.  If we plot the sun's actual position on those dates, however, we find that it is not in the constellation of Scorpius, but is to the west in Virgo."

Amazingly, Zed Neibelung is uninterested in the impact of his activism on the astrological community!  "I'm not a scientist, I'm a humanist.  That's why I find it unacceptable to waste money on human greed, when that money can be invested in conserving the last tiny bit of nature unpolluted by man -- our pristine night sky!"

Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUniverse.com

 

Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry.  Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.

 

 

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