PISSED SNOWMAN
CLUBS 'BLADDER BOY' TO DEATH!
by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.
[December 16, 2001]
 [WeeklyUniverse.com]
What began as a white Christmas soon turned yellow, then blood-red, when
9-year-old Billy Slugnut "pissed off" the wrong snowman -- who then clubbed
the Bladder Boy to death before the horrified gaze of his distraught mother!
Those are the startling facts as
reported by Weekly Universe correspondents in Snoqualmie Falls, Washington.
"Billy was a good boy, but he had
a problem holding it in," insists Betty Greenbuckle, the heartbreak tot's
fourth grade teacher. "He had nine accidents since September.
I'd hear laughter from the back of the class, I'd see the puddle, and I'd
think, 'Oh dear, not again.'
"I felt sorry for poor Billy.
His classmates were cruel, as only children can be. And janitors.
It was our school janitor, Leo, who taught the children to say 'Bladder
Boy.' Until then, Billy was known as 'Pee Boy.'"
Then, asking not to be quoted, Greenbuckle
added, "But Leo was right. 'Bladder Boy' has a better ring to it."
Other officials are less kind.
"We'd often warned Billy to take
care of business before leaving home," said Sheriff Harry Truman, asking
not to be quoted. "But every winter, he'd tag the town yellow.
"Tourists visit Snoqualmie Falls
for a white Christmas. Billy spoiled many Christmases -- for both
tourists and merchants.
"Of course, nothing justifies killing
the boy."
The snowperson community disagrees,
and have opened a defense fund should charges be filed against the snowman
alleged to have killed the heartbreak tot.
"Snowpersons are an aggrieved minority,
having long been a target of urinary assaults," said Jacqueline Frost,
a spokessnowperson for Snow Pride. "Primarily from dogs, but also
from children, and even adults.
"The proper question is not who killed
Billy, but who taught Billy that peeing on snowpersons was acceptable?
Until we examine the root causes of incontinence, the cycle of violence
will continue."
The white Christmas that turned yellow,
then blood-red, will be a black Christmas for Billy's heartbroken mom,
Mrs. Wilamena Slugnut, who is recuperating from traumatic shock in a Spokane
hospital. Warning that she must not be disturbed, doctors have put
her on suicide watch.
Shockingly, the heavily sedated Mrs.
Slugnut confessed -- in an exclusive interview
with Weekly Universe correspondents! -- that she believes the tragedy could
have been averted!
"Billy's presents were already wrapped
and under the tree!" sobbed Mrs. Slugnut, asking not to be quoted.
"If only it hadn't snowed until after Christmas! Billy would have
been building snowmen while wearing his new present -- a Depends diaper!
"Then, none of this would have happened!"
Copyright 2001 by WeeklyUniverse.com
Image copyright 2001 by Stuart
Smith of Graviton Creations.
Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches. |
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