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by Marcus Rubyman, staff reporter.  [December 27, 2001]




[]  Three months after Osama's sicko attack on the World Trade Center, heroic rescue workers have unearthed a miraculous survivor in the Twin Towers rubble -- the fruitcake!

That's the startling report reported by the Weekly Universe's crack team of New York correspondents.

"We knew the fruitcake's last verifiable sighting was in the Boston area," said fruitcake historian Professor Clark Kruger, in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe.

"Helene Bilberry received the fruitcake in Christmas 1997, then mailed it to her Boston aunt for Christmas 1998. We lost track of the fruitcake the following year."

Contrary to the popular myth of multiple fruitcakes, historians have long known that there is only one.

"Otto Organbacher baked the fruitcake on December 2, 1830, in King-Of Prussia, Pennsylvania," stated Professor Kruger, dean of bakery studies at the University of Pennsylvania. "He presented it to his least favorite sister that same Christmas, and it's been passed along ever since, giving rise to the urban legend of there being several fruitcakes, with new ones baked each year."

Rescue workers discovered the fruitcake beneath several tons of melted steel and fine ash.

"I was clearing away debris, when I saw a bright color in the ash," said NY fire fighter Kevin Maloney. "It turned out to be one of those ... fruit thingies."

"Fruit thingy is indeed the correct technical term," confirms Professor Kruger. "Fruit thingies have long been one of the great riddles of the fruitcake -- and an academic subspecialty in its own right."

"Some of the fruit thingies were red, some green, and some orangey," added Maloney. "It was a red thingy I saw in the ash."

The fate of the fruitcake remains undecided. NTSB investigators believe the fruitcake was on the flight from Boston, intended as a Christmas gift for some lucky Angeleno. Dents in the crust indicate the fruitcake was in an area hit hardest by the explosion, possible near the plane's fuel tank.

But to date, the fruitcake is unclaimed by any flight passenger relative.

"It's not surprising," said Professor Kruger. "Few would publicly admit to a relative giving the fruitcake for Christmas."

If the fruitcake remains unclaimed, the Weekly Universe's panel of legal experts believes Maloney has the strongest legal claim to the fruitcake.

Fortunately, Professor Kruger believes the fruitcake is as fresh as the day it was baked. "There is no reason Maloney could not eat and enjoy the fruitcake in good health!"

"I guess I could...," Maloney shrugs. "Although, I always have trouble shopping for my brother."

Copyright 2001 by


Startling Fruitcake Links! (that would likely not wish to be associated with the Weekly Universe) 

Iron Science.  Fun science experiments with fruitcakes!

Monastery Fruitcake.  Fruitcake baked by monks!

Society for the Preservation and Protection of Fruitcake!

Marcus Rubyman is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who investigates UFOs and the paranormal. Read more about his journalism in Hollywood Witches.
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