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by Vanessa Cortez, staff reporter  [October 29, 2001]




[]  The managers and employees of the Weekly Universe have struck a crippling blow against sicko Osama's terrorist creeps by unfurling the world's hugest American flag!

That's the startling report from the Hollywood, Florida offices of the Weekly Universe, over which the 150 x 400 mile Old Glory proudly waves!

"Until now, the only manmade object visible from space was the Great Wall of China," said NASA astrophysicist Dr. Werner Greenwich.  "But the Weekly Universe 'Space Flag'(TM) can be seen from the other end of the universe!"

That startling statement was confirmed by a panel of international space experts and ufologists (with Red China dissenting) convened by the UN to analyze the geopolitical implications of the "Space Flag"(TM)  -- which rises proudly into space aloft a row of 50 mile-high poles, proudly lined up along the Florida coast.

During the UN special session, the Cuban Ambassador seconded Red China's dissent, then fumed: "The Weekly Universe 'Space Flag'(TM) extends over international waters, and blocks all sunlight from Cuba!  The Yankee imperialists should keep their ugly flag to themselves!"

Fortunately, America also has true friends in the Caribbean!

"I like your flag very much!" gushed Jean-Claude Batiste, a Haitian farmer.  "It is very hot work to cut sugar in Haiti, and the flag cools the whole island with its shade!"

Most Floridians were immediately thrilled to see Old Glory blanket their sky -- but panic erupted in tiny Mosquito Bay, Florida when one couple complained of the flag.

Fortunately, Harry and Muriel Beanbutton were later cleared of terrorist connections after FBI, CIA, ATF, NSA, and Secret Service SWAT teams stormed their trailer home to investigate their bizarre attitude.

"I was sure the Red Chinese had taken over!" gasped Harry Beanbutton.  "I looked up, and all I saw was a red flag, clear over the horizon!  Then the FBI explained there was white and blue farther on.  It just looked all red, 'cause our trailer was under one of the red bars."

"We was sure relieved to hear it!" Muriel gushed.  "We didn't even mind so much the SWAT boys had smashed through every wall of our home, 'stead of knocking.  Solid aluminum walls, too!"

Preston Presscott, spokesman for American Bald Eagle Publications, LLC, publisher of the Hollywood Investigator and Weekly Universe family of family publications, announced: "We don't think the Weekly Universe 'Space Flag'(TM) is too huge.  It's huge, but its hugeness is no huger than our love for this huge country!

"I'm not saying folks with smaller flags are less patriotic than the owners or employees at American Bald Eagle Publications, LLC.  Not everyone can afford a 'Space Flag'(TM) and there's no shame in that.

"Of course, some media publications can afford a 'Space Flag'(TM) -- and they still don't fly one.  But I'm sure they have a good reason."

Copyright 2001 by


Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry.  Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
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