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by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer  [November 19, 2001]




[]  Holiday hope turned into Thanksgiving tragedy for homeless shelter residents when animal rights terrorists freed 83 hormonally-enhanced super-turkeys from a food bank holding pen -- the colossal birds unexpectedly savaging shelter residents in a frenzied feathery death rage!

That's the shocking eyewitness report from a team of Weekly Universe correspondents who were visiting the food bank expecting to file a heart-warming holiday report.

"The turkeys were so plump, so fat ... we gave thanks to merciful God for his bountiful gift!" stammered Father José Ramirez, fighting back tears as he surveyed his slaughtered parishioners. "Instead, these turkeys were a curse from Satan!"

The 83 hormonally-enhanced super-turkeys had been donated to Father Ramirez's Christ the Good Shepherd Mission in tiny Mosquito Bay, Florida, by a Department of Agriculture experimental lab in Bethesda Maryland.

"The shelter had been instructed that the turkeys were to remain locked in the food bank pen until Thanksgiving morning, at which time trained technicians would arrive to process the poultry," stated Agriculture Dept. spokeswoman Donna Dubya in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe.

"The turkeys had been genetically modified and hormonally-enhanced, but not in a manner to make them life-threatening to personnel properly trained and equipped to transport and process the birds."

Tragically, the homeless men residing at Father Ramirez's shelter were not so equipped.

"I still hear the screaming of the poor bastards that died in front of me," shuddered Wayne Beauchamp, 54, between swigs of Old Catfish whiskey to calm his nerves and numb the pain of 278 peck wounds scarring his body. "I'll never forget that look of horror in my best buddy's eye, not after that d--- turkey spit his eyeball into my hand!"

Shockingly, the super-turkeys began their hate-filled death rage with the three animal rights activists who freed them. Pecked beyond recognition, the activists' dental records identified them as PETA members, says FBI spokesman Gordon Cole.

PETA spokeswoman Frieda Golingberger denied PETA was involved in the turkeys' "liberation," but claimed to support the terrorists who committed the act, adding in an official statement:

"The loss of human life is unfortunate, but does not begin to compare to the criminal 300-year genocide of billions of innocent turkeys on the altar of AmeriKKKan Thanksgiving. A genocide still continued by Florida storm troops."

Golingberger was referring to Florida National Guard called in to quell the rampage.  Sixty-three birds are confirmed dead, 20 still roam the streets terrorizing Mosquito Bay and nearby communities. Confirmed casualties include 57 homeless men, 3 soccer moms, and one seeing-eye dog.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush vows that all super-turkeys will be captured or killed by Thanksgiving. But for the victims, victory will come too late.

"While we survivors will give thanks to God for sparing our lives, it will be a heart-rending Thanksgiving with so many brethren dead," sobbed the heart-broken Father Ramirez.

"I wanted to feed my flock. Instead, my flock was fed to another flock."

Copyright 2001 by


Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.


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