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by Vanessa Cortez, staff reporter  [October 1, 2001]




[]  The World Trade Center terrorists are now surrounded by 10,000 mind- bogglingly beautiful virgins in bikinis -- chastity bikinis that won't come off!!!

That's the shocking discovery discovered by a crack intrepid elite team of Weekly Universe foreign correspondents who traveled to Hell for this exclusive report!

"Allah does not lie, or break his Word," said Iman Mohammud Mufti Al-Mohammud, head of the Al-Allah-Akbar Mosque in Mosquito Bay, Florida. "Allah promised to reward these suicide martyrs with young virgins, and that is exactly what they got.

"Of course, these virgins will remain virgins. If they were to lose their virginity, then they would no longer be virgins. And that would make Allah into a liar. That cannot be."

Despite the sweltering humidity and hazy yellow sulfurous skies, there was enough light from sporadic fires and glowing embers for the Weekly Universe's crack intrepid team of foreign correspondents to confirm that Allah is indeed true to his Word.
The underground skies of Hell rang with the agonized screams of frustrated terrorists -- hanging strapped and helpless from Satan's ceiling -- while flocks of angelic virgins caressed and teased them with their heavenly treasures ... kept forever out of reach beneath skin- tight chastity bikinis!!!

Adding to the terrorists' agony is their limited diet in the afterlife. Three square meals a day -- of Viagra.

"It sounds boring, but Viagra is more versatile than people imagine," said Beelzebub Butterworth, a cafeteria minion who prepares three generous bowls of Viagra for each terrorist every day. "Add milk, and you've made Viagra cereal. With hot water, it's Viagra stew. Use crust, and you have Viagra pot pie. Those are three very different meals right there.

"And if a terrorist is lactose intolerant, we can offer non-dairy creamer for his cereal. Fat-free too! Viagra may not make for gourmet cooking, but it fills you up. At least they're not hungry."

After spotting a terrorist, and spending five hours struggling past mobs of virgins to reach him, the crack team of Weekly Universe correspondents finally reached him, struggling amid dozens of fanatically groping young virgins. Yet shockingly -- the terrorist refused to answer questions about eating conditions.

Ignoring reporters' questions, the terrorist spent all his time grasping and adjusting his swimming trunks -- chastity trunks that would not come off.

Back in Florida, Iman Mohammud Mufti Al-Mohammud is satisfied that Allah has shown His good faith to the terrorists. "They wanted virgins, and they got them."

Copyright 2001 by


Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry. Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.

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