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by Vanessa Cortez, staff writer.  [December 3, 2001]


[]  Osama bin Laden ally and Taliban military, intelligence, and security advisor Bert -- who only last month bragged of his "impregnable" high- tech Afghan volcano in an exclusive Weekly Universe interview -- has been captured by MI6 secret agent Austin Powers!

But the international rejoicing and relief was short-lived when world leaders learned that sicko terrorist Osama has already forged a new alliance -- with Dr. Evil!

Those are the startling new developments following a whirlwind of shifting fortunes and alliances on the bloody Afghan front, as reported exclusively by Weekly Universe foreign correspondents on the scene!

"Fighting was a smashing success until we got to Bert's mountain base -- where our entire regiment was nearly routed by Bert!" shuddered SAS Captain Wesley Westfordshire, recalling Bert's ferocious attack.

"Delta Force personnel are brave and battle-hardened," grimaced Delta Force Commander Wesley Westman, "But Bert's high-tech gadgets could only be disabled by soldiers skilled in mathematics and alphabet science.

"My men have a solid public school education.  All of them were skilled marksmen by second grade.  But Bert's high-tech mountain fortress was impregnable to anyone unable to hold his own in a conversation with Big Bird."

Then the SAS recalled that MI6's Austin Powers attended school in the 1940s -- before new math and whole language reforms.

Powers was instantly flown to Afghanistan, penetrating the volcano and sealing Bert in the muppet's own high-tech Bert Bubble[tm] (exclusive photo above!), which Bert had developed as the key weapon in his 4th master plan to conquer the world.

Bert's capture is the latest blow to sicko Osama, who has lost several top aids over the past weeks.

Amazingly! -- sicko Osama has issued a startling denial that Bert's loss was a crippling blow to Al Qaeda:

"Contrary to British disinformation, Bert was not captured by MI6.  After performing an excellent job of optimizing Al Qaeda's infrastructure, Bert resigned to pursue other interests.  We wish him the best of luck, and know that he will be amazingly successful in anything he does.

"Additionally, the Taliban retains complete control of Afghanistan.  Allied casualties have been astronomical, and no Afghani has been killed, other than several thousand innocent baby girls of color."

Even more shockingly! -- Osama bin Laden announced that Al Qaeda has already filled the position vacated by Bert -- by retaining the services of Dr. Evil!

Sicko Osama stated in his press release:

"Everyone at El Qaeda is very excited to have Dr. Evil join our projects team.  Dr. Evil brings to the table his many decades of experience and achievement competing with Mr. Powers.  Considering recent moves by our competition, we think Dr. Evil is the ideal candidate for the position vacated by Bert, and we are confident that future events will reflect the wisdom of our decision."

Yet shockingly! -- in an exclusive interview with the Weekly Universe, Dr. Evil made the following shocking accusation:

"Bert is a liar and a thief!  The Bert Bubble[tm] is really the Evil Envelop[tm] and was developed by myself for my own master plan of world conquest.  I am pursuing all legal remedies to vacate Bert's patent and trademark claims to the Evil Envelop[tm].

"Bert is Evil.  Which is all right, but hardly enough.  Many are evil.  But only I hold a Doctorate in Evilology.  And it requires an EvD. to run the Evil Envelop[tm].  A Sesame Street education is not enough."

Following his capture of Bert, Powers was appointed special advisor to all SAS forces in Afghanistan.  MI6's James Bond was also considered for the position, but the SAS was unable to provide the octogenarian spy, who began his career in the early 1950s, with a sufficient supply of Depends.

Despite recent victories, allied leaders are grimly aware that Dr. Evil's entry means that the fiercest battles are yet to come.

Contacted exclusively by the Weekly Universe for a response to the grim allied intelligence assessment, Powers remarked: "Fabulous, baby!"

Austin Powers remains mum about the extraordinary details in his capture of Bert -- pending film and book deals.  Powers previous true-life adventures are documented in Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Vanessa Cortez is a Los Angeles based tabloid reporter who has investigated the occult underbelly of the entertainment industry.  Read more of her journalism in Hollywood Witches.
Additional Startling Facts at: Austin Powers Official Website.

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